Dammit David

A few years ago, a text from a friend changed everything.

I guess there’s no better time than the present to get this one out there.

Growing up, I was always anti-authoritarian. I got in trouble a lot.

I was quite familiar with the wooden spoon. Mom used it on me more than she used it to cook.

One memory I still recall vividly was when I was 5 years old and my parents had gone out for the evening.

It was dusk and my much older cousin was watching her kids and me play in front of the house. I was riding my bike up and down the street and my cousin kept telling me not to go past the end of the street.

The street in the direction she was referring to ended and there was another street that you could turn left or right onto.

I couldn’t help myself.

At some point I finally rode to the end of the street, turned left onto the other street, got to the end of that one and turned right.

I rode a little further down, crossed the street at the end and stopped.

There was a large electronics company called Digital that had a big field we used to play in as I got older.

I stopped and looked over the green field of grass, the highway, Interstate 17 about a half mile away in the distance. I sat there on my bike for about 5 minutes, just admiring the beautiful orange and red sunset that we are so fortunate to enjoy here in Arizona.

I knew the whole time I was in trouble. And I didn’t care.

I don’t even remember what happened. Probably got the wooden spoon. Maybe I got grounded from my bike. I do remember that my cousin was furious.

This was just one of the many decisions I made as I was growing up where I knew I would get in trouble, and chose to do it anyway.

As I got older, there were bigger things. Mostly it had to do with not doing my schoolwork, but let’s just say I was mischievous.

And as I got older, mom’s initial response was always the same.

“DAMMIT DAVID!”

It got to be so frequently used that my friends started using it in a mocking falsetto voice.

A few years ago, mom passed away after a long fight with two kidney transplants and heart disease. Sh had her first transplant when I was 22, she had a quadruple bypass when I was 26 year, and her second transplant when I was 42.

Shortly before she passed, I realized that I hadn’t told any of my friends she was near the end.

I sent out text messages to let them all know and a few days before she passed, I couldn’t wait to share with her the message I got back from one of my best friends, Kevin.

She and Kevin go way back. He used to come to our house when we were growing up to go swimming in the summer.

Once, when we were about 10, mom was watching us swim when Kevin jumped off the diving board, turned to her in midair, pulled down his pants and mooned her!

From that day on, she called him Moonshine.

A few days before she passed, I went to see her.

I can still picture walking into mom and dad’s house that night.

She was sitting in her chair and dad was crouched down in front of her holding her glass of water so she could get a drink through the straw.

She was very weak at that point and could barely speak.

I walked over and knelt down next to her.

I told her that I had gotten a message from Moonshine and I wanted to share what he had sent.

I pulled out my phone and read the following message

I still tear up whenever I see or think about that message.

Mom started laughing immediately and laughed and coughed for several minutes.

It was the last time she laughed.

At the funeral, mom had requested I sing.

It’s not something I normally do beyond the occasional inebriated Karaoke, but she always loved my voice.

I sang the song, In the Garden. It’s a classic and beautiful song that’s been covered by a lot of country artists.

As I stepped to the podium at the funeral, before I sang, I shared the moment of her last laugh.

Cyndi was mortified. She told me she sat there thinking, “no, he’s not going to say Dammit David at a Mormon church!”

Yes I did, but why would I not? It’s definitely on brand for me.

The mourners enjoyed a good laugh before I sang mom’s last request through tears.

After that moment, I realized that that is me.

It’s not something to be ashamed of, it’s a quality that makes me lovable in my own way.

There have definitely been times in the last 25 years that Cyndi has uttered those same words, but I have come to embrace it and realize it’s what makes me endearing.

So I made it my identity.

It’s my X(Twitter) handle. It’s the title of this Substack. I even own the domain name although I haven’t done anything with it yet.

I want to encourage you to embrace those things that are you.

Maybe the things that have been put on you as a negative are actually what makes you special.

Dammit David was always spoken in frustration, but without the behaviors that led to the frustration, I wouldn’t be me.

And they aren’t something that needs to be corrected, just something that needs to be harnessed.

I love that I have embraced it.

What can you embrace about yourself?

What is your Dammit David?